A Tense Equilibrium

When my daughter was about five months old, I was met with the most rewarding welcome one day when I picked her up from her nanny's. She reached out for me to carry her immediately I entered the living room where her playpen was. I was elated. My daughter had missed me. She had noticed I was away and longed for my return and even more importantly, she was learning to express her love to me. I still remember the feeling of elation I experienced that day, over a year ago. In the following months, she continued to spice up her welcome routine. As she mastered sitting, crawling, standing, cruising, and walking, her welcome evolved from a single reach, to reaching with a big toothless smile, to excited screams of ‘mummy’ and warm, strong hugs. I looked forward to picking her up each day because she was always there to make me feel warm and fuzzy.

Imagine my utter dismay the day that I picked my daughter up only to be greeted by a reluctant look, and a deep resolve to run in the opposite direction. She was having fun, playing with another young kid so she wasn't pleased to see me. I could handle that, I thought. After all, I remember countless times during my childhood when I made no secret of my disappointment when my parents arrived to pick me up from some event or outing. However, for a period of time, I began to notice that she showed this disappointment at my arrival on a fairly consistent basis even when she wasn't playing with another young kid. She seemed to have developed a strong bond with her nanny. She always appeared super happy to be dropped off – never any frantic crying in the mornings - and yet was always quite hesitant to leave. She would whine, or cry, or have a complete meltdown. The first time it happened, I was quite annoyed and sad at losing my cherished welcome. I was irritated that I had to physically force my daughter into her car seat after a long hard day at work, and strangely jealous that I might be losing the number one spot in her heart.

It was yet another uncomfortable reminder of the ‘emotional’ sacrifices working mothers make when we choose or have to work full-time while raising young kids. Pursuing a demanding career means that I ‘outsource’ at least 60% of the time I could spend with my daughter to someone else. It means that a lot of the time someone else will dry her tears and comfort her, feed her, and possibly hear her say her first words or take her first steps, stack her first blocks, or solve her first puzzle. As a young mother I am eager to relish in these milestones and soak up all these precious memories directly. However, I have had to improvise by repeatedly texting her nanny while at work, watching videos of her playing during my lunch break, and discussing with her nanny how her food and play preferences evolve over time.

   

I shared my concerns with my dear husband and he encouraged me by first reminding me of the countless benefits of being a career woman – notably, the fact that I am able to work at achieving a sense of purpose for myself and also being able to contribute to provide a good standard of living for our daughter. Then he also highlighted the fact that we should really be grateful that we have a nanny who is doing such a good job that our daughter is obviously happy and thriving - definitely beats the rampant childcare horror stories we hear so often.

My husband couldn't have been more right. While my daughter may not always be perfectly bonded to me 24/7, she definitely knows who her mother is. She calls out my name first thing when she wakes up and will find me wherever I am in our home when she is excited, hungry, sleepy, or hurt. There was never really a question about our bond as mother and daughter necessarily diminishing because I have a full-time job. Still, I do think that it is important to be intentional about creating a bond with your child, especially as a full-time working mother since you don’t spend as much time with your child as you could if you chose to stay at home. To remedy this situation, I take days off occasionally just to spend with her. I take her to the library, or the playground, and recently to the pool just so that I can watch her play and grow. I enjoy witnessing her milestones and get amused by her utterances, without the distraction of work and chores. 

All too often balancing trying to be a great mother, a super wife, and a high–achieving employee,  can get rather stressful and it means I don’t have enough time to simply enjoy my daughter. Given how fast they grow, sometimes, I just need to take a ‘mummy-day’ so that I can relish in those precious bonding moments with my baby girl.