Tough Love

 “If that was my kid….’ I would begin, and then I would proceed with a list of rather harsh punitive measures to set someone else’s kid straight. I would typically preach these self-righteous sermons after witnessing a completely helpless parent try in vain to cajole their kid through an embarrassing tantrum. I was one of those people with no children who still professed to know the best way to discipline a kid acting out in public. I often would look on with irritation, almost scorn, at times, and wonder how on earth a full grown adult could be at the beck and call of a whining infant. How could parents be so weak?

My first year of motherhood didn’t quite cure me of this self-righteous. Our daughter was a well-adjusted, even-tempered, pleasant infant. She didn’t cry in public, she slept through all the sermons at church, contently sucked at her bottle, or would just calmly take in any new environment without a peep. I began to proudly think it was the no-nonsense African genes at work and that my daughter was born to know that crying unnecessarily and other tantrum-like behavior was completely off limits.

Today, I can’t help but chuckle at my delusion. Every parent of a toddler will tell you that the erratic, impulsive, emotional behavior of toddlers has very little to do with no-nonsense genes. Toddlers are at an interesting phase in their life. They are just becoming aware of their independence and ability to assert their own desires and yet do not have the sense or tact to curb their impulses. In other words, it is easily possible for a barely-two-year old child to have an adult at their wits end in a desperate attempt to calm them. Those adults, I’ve learned are not necessarily weak, they are just still figuring things out. Toddlers on the other hand, are innate experts at acting up at the worst possible time.

Recently at church, my daughter rudely reminded us that she had fully transitioned into toddlerhood. We had gone to church much earlier that day than normal because of church-related responsibilities. The timing threw our daughter’s routine and nap off schedule and she ensured that we paid dearly for it. She couldn’t decide if she wanted to sleep or eat, get off our laps and the pew and run around, talk at the top of her voice, ran laps around the church or dash through the corridors…she was exhausted, restless, and irritable. We were shocked, clueless, and helpless.

A simple ‘shush’ didn’t work because she would get louder and draw more attention to herself and us. A quick but decisive spank would normally set things right back on track at home but church service wasn’t quite the scene for that – this is what I mean by toddlers are ‘experts at acting up’. It’s as if they know that in public, you don’t’ have the power to do all you could do to discipline them and so they have more leeway to drive your nuts without suffering any drastic consequences.

In the end, we had to make a dash for home before the end of service, with our tails between our legs, exhausted and completely baffled about what had just happened. I was finally cured of my self-righteousness toward parents of tantrum-throwing toddlers. I wish I could swallow back all my judgment-riddled suggestions on how to set a child straight and replace them with more caring  phrases like,  ‘I hear you, I understand, it’s going to be ok.’

I remember that when we were quite young, my parents only needed to  shoot a ‘dangerous’ glance our way when we were in public and my brother and I would stop dead in our tracks and begin to pray fervently to God to save us from the impending punishment those dangerous glances foretold. I plan to master that skill  someday but unfortunately our daughter is not old enough for those ‘dangerous looks to work and when I have desperately tried them anyway, she finds my furrowed brow really quite amusing.

The need to discipline our child caught me by surprise because I was and still am not quite over how adorable and angelic she is. I’ve struggled to find that fine but necessary balance between the love, care, and affection I shower her with and the need to be a firm and consistent disciplinarian even this early in her life.

I keep learning that parenting is serious business. At first, it’s mostly just physically demanding because of the lack of sleep and catering to the constant needs of a demanding infant. However, as children grow, parents need to develop the mental and psychological prowess to nurture and prune their characters. This necessitates tough love – the realization that enforcing discipline is in fact a huge testament to the love that you have for your child.

It is after all, easier to do nothing; to just watch on, to coddle and cajole, than to embrace the thoroughly unpleasant job of disciplinarian. I remember my father explaining to us as kids that whenever he had to punish us, it really hurt him but he had to do it because he loved us. At that time, his words sounded oxymoronic and if I hadn’t been taught to behave, I probably would have rolled my eyes at him. Today his words ring so true. I don’t like to see my daughter unhappy, least of all because I’ve given her a spanking or shown my disapproval of her behavior in other ways - the way she curls her lip in dismay, or simply cries her eyes out,  is heartbreaking.

However, I’m learning that because I love her more than life itself, I’ll do whatever I need to do to ensure that she will grow up into a well-adjusted, happy, and accomplished woman who will be a blessing to our world