Holding On To You

Source: http://strongwomenstronglove.com/motherhood/

My second trimester was a blast! By that time, I had come to terms with my pregnancy, accepted the fact that my life had changed forever, and embraced my curvy midsection. The second trimester was awesome because I no longer simply looked fat for no obvious reason; I was showing and loving the positive attention. At this point in my pregnancy, I still felt attractive (which would quickly change in those dreaded final months) and I dressed the part.

I was literally the only pregnant woman in my obgyn’s office that dressed up for appointments. It was quite endearing actually - or so my husband thought. I took the extra time to wear make-up, put on a flattering maternity dress, and yes, even wore precariously high heels, proudly defying the rapid descent of my center of gravity.  It was during my pregnancy that I finally visited a MAC store to get my shade right and passionately tried new make-up techniques, perhaps to hide the hideous chloasma that darkened and roughened my skin.

My obgyn was always pleasantly surprised to see my fashion parade and made sure to generously complement my efforts. For me, dressing up was a survival mechanism – an interesting way for me to hold on to bits of my old self while experiencing overwhelming change. Being knocked up, didn't mean I was knocked out and looking and feeling good empowered me to maintain control of my person at a time when my body and psyche seemed totally out of control.

With hindsight, keeping ‘me’ alive during pregnancy was a good thing but nothing particularly groundbreaking. If I am able to hold on to who I am now, separate from motherhood, when there is a mini-me to care for - now that will be worthy of applause.  I've learned that motherhood can consume you. It certainly changes the way you view yourself and others. For good reason, motherhood necessitates that you become a self-sacrificing individual, to put another’s needs before yours without giving it a second thought. Why else would I walk into a department store with the intent of buying a new dress that I badly needed and yet manage to walk out with two totally adorably fall sweaters for my daughter…and no dress for myself?

 It is important that mothers and parents in general, become selfless because that’s how children get adequately fed, clothed, nurtured, trained, and raised into functioning adults. However, excelling at motherhood poses a risk - in pursuit  of the well-being of your children and family, you could very well completely lose yourself.

Putting some effort into a little make-up, purchasing the latest maternity fashions, or balancing on gravity-defying stilettos, is much easier, even on a crappy day of pregnancy, than it is when you actually become a mother. Try bothering with the mindless choice of what shade of lip gloss to wear before you step out, when every trip to the ‘outside world’ with your precious bundle is literally a pilgrimage - you have to pack like you are never coming back. Diapers and wipes, are only just the beginning of a very long check-list/guide to properly stock your diaper bag for a ‘quick grocery run’. In the words of a popular Washington DC internet sensation last year, ‘aint nobody got time for that’.

Now, this is what you do instead of ‘waste’ time with a brush and a palette in front of a mirror: You keep the most comfortable jeans and t-shirt in the part of your closet that is easiest to reach. You wear that outfit every time you need to leave the house and thank God that your teeth and hair are brushed and then you step out with your infant or toddler, who by the way is beautifully clad in adorableness and an outfit to match – they are now the fashion parade - you just need to hide your jelly belly in that generously sized Tee.

Looking half-decent, however, doesn't begin to capture the mammoth of a struggle that is maintaining an identity and purpose aside from your role as a mother.  It's rarely ever just about whether you choose to wear make-up or not, or whether you have the will power to conjure a semblance of your pre-pregnancy body or embrace cellulite. It is about the dreams that you had before you became a mother, the lofty goals you were set to achieve before the second line turned pink on that test. It's about the heady feeling you had when you graduated from high school, college, or grad school. Where did you say you’d be career-wise today?  What business plans had you dreamed of? How were you going to change the world? Where are you now? Have you settled? Are we using motherhood as an excuse for not obtaining our full potential?

My husband always tells me, ‘don’t let motherhood slow you down, you can, and must still achieve your dreams.’ He is absolutely right and I am truly blessed to have my own personal cheerleader rooting for me. I think we all need a cheerleader who will remind us of the potential we possess and of our passions, goals, and capabilities. Otherwise, you’ll find that you know the backpack song of Dora the Explorer much better than you know yourself.

The legacy I want to leave with my child, and hopefully child(ren), someday is that though I loved and cared for them with everything that I was, though I sacrificed time again for them and provided them with all I could, I also loved myself enough to nurture me. I want my children to remember me as the mother who was not afraid to dream and was tenacious enough to achieve. I want them to remember that though I always stopped what I was doing to kiss their ‘booboos,' I always returned to my laptop after sufficient hugs had been exchanged to write, to run a business … to achieve.

This post begins a five-part series where we’ll get to know how four phenomenal mothers have excelled at motherhood so far and yet have held on to their personal dreams. At the end of the series, my hope is that it will be evident what kind of a mindset it takes to become that kind of mother.